This is Bad, Really Bad
by Khassa
Summary: Simon and Mal go to town for medical supplies. They bicker. They get arrested and thrown in the same cell. Where they bicker some more. SimonMal, some WashZoe.


Author's note: This actually turned out ... funny? At least in my sleep-deprived mind :) Please let me know if you laughed, even just once!

**This is Bad, Really Bad**

"This is bad. They should have been back hours ago. This is really bad," Wash said. He snatched Brontosaurus Trisha off the control panel and fiddled her moveable head back and forth. Zoe watched him with a smile on her face. "Zoe? Are you not hearing me? This is bad, this is really, really –"

"I know, honey," Zoe finally said, cutting him off. "I heard you the first time. The first _ten _times, actually," she said with a laugh.

Wash glared at her and Trisha's head gave a nasty crick to the right. "A joke? You're making a joke? Zoe, out of all the times to be funny, you choose now? When Simon, our only doctor, he who has worked a thousand miracles on my own beloved wife – not to mention _me_ – when that doctor is out somewhere on this barren planet probably in mortal danger?"

"Wash, honey, he just went out for medical supplies. He'll be back soon. And, don't be forgetting that Mal is also out there –"

"That's part of the problem, Zoe, because even you have to admit that Mal's pretty much always in mortal danger. The point is that I need to keep you safe." Wash got up from his seat and leaned over, stroking the bump on Zoe's stomach. "And that's why I'm saying that this is bad. This is really bad. This is really really – "

- - - - -

"_Really_ not the reason I came out here with you," Mal said. He crossed his arms and set his legs wide apart into his most intimidating stance. "You told me you had a need for more supplies, so we made a special stop on this dustbowl for you. But now I'm seeing this as a real waste of my time and money."

Simon stopped browsing for a moment to glare. "And why exactly are you here anyway? Mal, I told you I'd be perfectly comfortable coming out here alone."

"Yeah, well, didn't stop to think that it might be me who's not at ease with the idea of his only doctor out here on his lonesome?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm just sayin' that I like having you right where I can see you," Mal said. He moved up into Simon's face so they were almost touching noses. It was his signature move and he was proud of it – it had never failed him once during his long stints intimidating thieves and thugs.

Simon stared right back at him. And then, with just a slight narrowing of his eyes, he asked, "Are you hitting on me, Captain?"

Mal leaped back two steps. And then two more. "Am I? Am I _what_?"

Simon rolled his eyes, "I just asked if you were planning on hitting me, Captain. Because if you are, then please just get it over with so we can be done with that part of the evening."

"That is not … that is not what you said!" Mal said. Simon ignored him, returning his gaze to his task. Mal took a tentative step forward and tried to regain his ground. "All I'm sayin' is a boy like you don't have no idea what he's doing on a planet like this. Take for example you and that _gorram_ pharmacist. You refused my help hagglin' him down and just paid his overblown asking price."

Simon sighed, "Mal, first of all, I already told you that his asking price was more than reasonable. Besides, your idea of haggling was sticking a gun in the poor man's face. Quite unnecessary and just a tad melodramatic in my point of view." Simon paused, then glared at him, "And second, I'm not a boy!"

Mal chuckled, "You tellin' me you're no boy. Funny. I mean, look at you, hand literally stuck in the candy jar and all." Mal watched Simon's neck slowly flush a dark red. He smirked in satisfaction and stuck his hands in his snug front pockets. "Havin' a hard time choosing between the cherry jujubes and the chocolate mint taffy?"

Simon turned away from the candy stall that was heaped high with jars of sweets. His hands were clenched at his sides. "And why exactly am I here?"

"Developed an inappropriate sweet tooth for a doctor?"

"I'm here because tomorrow is Kaylee's birthday and I don't have enough money to buy her anything out of my cut other than candy since I just blew it on a supply of medicine that I'm going to use to heal your crew!" Simon spat out in one long breath of air.

One side of Mal's mouth jerked upwards as he tried to repress his smile. Simon's eyebrows did this little hopping thing when he was particularly irate and it was just amusing as hell. "Well, don't be looking at me like it's my fault, doc. I had my gun out and I was at the ready to help you lower those prices when you shoved me out the door."

"You're impossible!" Simon threw up his hands. "I can't believe I'm here on this hellhole. You're unbelievable."

"What, so this is my fault?"

"Yes!"

Mal leaned back. This was going to be fun. "So, you runnin' away from home to rescue River is my fault? You findin' her smack in the middle of some secret government conspiracy is my fault? You bein' stupid enough to be picked up by the Alliance – and rescued by me, might I add – is my fault?" At each enumeration, Simon seemed to deflate just a little more. "Seems like all I've done is help you out, Doctor Holier-Than-Thou."

"Yes?" Simon said, sputtering a little. "Well, well … you don't have to be such a _gorram_ ass about it!"

Mal blinked. "What … what did you just call me?" Mal asked. Simon lifted his eyebrows and this time, it was not amusing. "I take on this heap of trouble you brought to me and you call me an ass? Well, let me just tell you that I hold you personally responsible for everything that's gone wrong. It's all your fault, _dong ma_?"

There was the click of a gun's safety being turned off.

"You're under arrest."

Simon froze. Mal turned his head and whispered out of the corner of his mouth, "See what I mean? Your fault. And this time don't be expectin' me to rescue you, I'll just leave you to the good ol' Alliance. Not a second thought about you."

A burly man wearing a conspicuous gold star on his chest came into view. "I hereby charge you, Malcolm Reynolds, with attempted assault." Mal's mouth fell open. The Sheriff handcuffed Mal's hands behind him and dragged him off to a waiting horse-drawn cart.

Simon smirked and called after him, "Really, Captain? All my fault? I guess I'll just be leaving this dusty hole, then. You know, without a second thought."

Another large man popped into view. "You're with him, sir? I'm sorry, then I'm going to have to take you in for questioning." Simon suddenly found his own arms pinned behind him and the sudden wrench of handcuffs closing.

But the pain around his wrists was nothing like facing Mal's triumphant smirk. He was practically glowing with glee.

_Zao Gao_, Simon sighed, as he was dragged to the cart.

- - - - -

"Zoe! Zooooeeee! Zooooooeeeeeeee!" There was the clatter of footsteps and then Wash stumbled down the stairs into the mess hall. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

Zoe looked up from her bowl of mush. "You didn't think to look in the kitchen? Eating for two, now, remember?"

Wash's face took on the big grin he'd been wearing pretty much every day since she'd told him. A dopey grin, some people might have said, and then come face to face with the barrel of Zoe's shotgun.

Wash's grin disappeared as he said, "I hate to say this, sweetie. But _I told you so_!"

Zoe merely lifted her eyebrows. "Told me what, sweetie?"

"That this is bad. I just knew it was bad. Call it my newly developed father's spidey sense. I have all kinds of bad news, Zoe. I just got word from the local sheriff department that Mal and Simon were arrested."

Zoe dropped her spoon. "What?"

"Yeah, they're in jail. Apparently Mal pulled a gun on someone and now he's being charged with assault. Simon's there for questioning. As soon as they find out who Simon is, it'll be -"

"Bad," Zoe filled in. "Very bad."

"Like I said."

Zoe got to her feet, felt her leg for her strapped-on gun and then headed to the door in her normal slow, measured stride. But Wash didn't like the look of determination that had come over her face. When she wore that look, he usually tried not to get in her way. Usually. This was one of those other times.

"Ummm, Zoe. Where are you going?" he asked in his meekest voice.

Zoe didn't bother to look back. "Where do you think? I'm going to rescue Mal from another of his _feng le_ scrapes. I'll be back in time for dinner, sweetie."

Wash almost let her go. Almost. Then he ran after her and stepped in front of her. "Uh, no."

"No?" Zoe asked, a questioning look on her face.

"No," Wash said a little more strongly this time. "No, you're not going. The baby, remember?"

Zoe just looked at him, mouth slightly open. "Well okay then, since Jayne's back with his folks and Kaylee's visiting Book, who exactly is going to go?"

"Me."

Zoe stared at him for a second. Then she laughed.

"Hey!" Wash said. "So maybe I can't burst into the jail guns all a-blazing like my superhero wife, but I can do things." Zoe just looked at him. "You know, I could pretend to be a companion like Inara did. Go in and slap Mal around. Just, you know, a male companion."

At that, Zoe laughed again. "I'm going, sweetie."

She tried to get past Wash but he pulled on her arm. "Or I could impersonate an Alliance officer and say I've been sent to take over the case so I can have a very manly altercation with the local sheriff who feels emasculated because I outrank him." Zoe rolled her eyes. "Or, or," Wash's eyes suddenly lit up.

"Or what, honey?" Zoe asked with an impatient sigh.

"Or – "

- - - - -

"Or you could have asked very nicely for the man to reconsider his price range. Or you could have tried to woo him with your considerable charm. Or you could have damn well stayed out of my business!" Simon yelled.

Mal winced and held his head. He was as far away from Simon as he could manage in the tiny cell, and yet it seemed like he was inches away. The man could certainly yell. And yell he had, ever since they'd found out that the pharmacist Mal had "haggled" with had apparently taken issue with having a gun pointed at him. And told his brother, the local sheriff.

Simon paused to take a breath. When he opened his mouth again, Mal stood up. "Enough!" Mal bellowed. "I am sick of hearing you whine. I am the Captain and you will do as I say."

"That's sort of the problem, isn't it?" Simon said, eyebrows raised meaningfully. The way Simon's eyebrows slid upwards left his eyes even larger than usual – and oh, so blue. Mal almost lost track of his insult.

"No!" Mal finally said when his brain had caught up. "I –" Mal suddenly found he couldn't continue. He leaned over and started to cough, then collapsed into a wheezing ball on the floor.

"Captain? Captain! Mal!" Simon rushed over to Mal. "What's wrong? Can you breathe?"

Mal clutched at his throat. The next second, Simon's body was pressed against his back and he was hugging him around the stomach. Mal felt a sudden jolt at the way their bodies seemed to mold into one another. He could feel the muscles in Simon's arms rippling as he pressed him around the waist.

Except, why now? And why were Simon's arms so tight? Mal was about to jab Simon in the stomach with his elbow, when he suddenly gave out a large cough and felt the object lodged in his throat burst out of his mouth and fall to the ground.

It bounced a few times and then rolled right up to Simon's foot. Simon let go of Mal, bent down and picked up the little ball. He looked puzzled, then brought it up to his nose and sniffed. Realization dawned. He turned back to Mal.

"A gobstopper? You've been sucking a gobstopper this entire time?" Mal looked at his feet, slightly ashamed and missing the warmth on his backside. "You had the nerve to call me a boy for trying to actually buy some candy while you were stealing it? What can I say? You're absolutely, absolutely –"

"Aggravating? Annoying?" Mal suggested, voice slightly raspy.

Simon paused. "Well, yes," he said. "But also … cute," Simon finally got out with a duck of his head.

Mal blinked. Then blinked again. Simon looked back up at him with a little smile on his face. "I …" Mal didn't know what to say.

Simon moved towards Mal and pushed him up against the wall. With his forefinger he traced Mal's forehead, then down his nose and finally arrived at his mouth. He drifted over his lips delicately, almost like a wisp of air, and Mal shivered.

"As it happens," Simon said, "I happen to like gobstoppers very much." He leaned over and kissed Mal, gently coaxing his mouth open. Mal heard an embarrassing croon come from the back of his throat.

When they rose for air, Mal smiled. "Are you hittin' on me, doctor?"

"Most assuredly," Simon said, cocking up his left eyebrow. He returned to Mal's lips and Mal closed his eyes, waiting for the hum to course through his body again.

There was a sudden cough.

"Ummm…guys?"

Mal and Simon sprang apart.

Wash stood in front of them, mouth open, staring. He twirled the keys to the cell in his hand. "You guys want to go, or are you more comfortable here?"

- - - - -

"So tell me again how it worked, sweetie?" Zoe asked as she rubbed the back of Wash's neck.

"It was easy, I just walked in there and told the Sheriff that he had to let them go, no negotiations, no nothing."

"Uh huh?"

"Fine! So I brought over the case of strawberries I had stashed away for Kaylee's birthday. Turns out they're his daughter's favourite fruit," Wash said. Then he said quickly, "Oh, that and Brontosaurus Trisha."

"Trisha?" Zoe said. "And why exactly would you bring a plastic dinosaur with you on a mission to break Simon and Mal out of jail?"

"Well, I didn't want to be lonely if they locked me up, now did I! You know me, honey, I need to talk. If I don't talk, well, I don't know what would happen to me. So, anyway, it turns out the Sheriff's son is going through a dinosaur phase."

Zoe leaned down and kissed him. "You're a good man, Hoban Washbourne."

Wash nodded in agreement. "Yeah, well, I just hope Trisha's sacrifice was worth it."

There was another loud thump from the direction of Mal's bunk. Wash and Zoe both winced.

"I think I'm just going to close the door, if you don't mind, honey," Wash said.

"Yes, please. Please do," Zoe said.

At that moment, there was a particularly loud crash. Wash turned to look back at Zoe. They both burst out laughing as he ran full speed to the door.

- - - - -

Down in the bunk, Mal and Simon paused.

"I wonder what they're so happy about," Mal said.

"You wonder?" Simon asked, left eyebrow lifting. Mal followed the eyebrow's movement and felt a similar upward thrust on his own body.

"Actually, no, I really don't," Mal said with a grin. He attacked Simon's mouth once again.


End file.
